i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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