I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize