trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i will never coherently bang her
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize