so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Randomize
