I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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