A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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