this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
