My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize