Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
