last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
