I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
