Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
