So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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