I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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