dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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