I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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