Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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