I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
