She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
