life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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