erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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