Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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