If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
