Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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