the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
