Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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