Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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