Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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