I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
