I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
