I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
