i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
