Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
