You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
