please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she pinky promised me she was 18
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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