im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
