I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Even my vagina gasped.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
