you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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