My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
