I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
