im about as happy as oj after his trial
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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