Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
