Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize