I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
