Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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