she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
