wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize