so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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