I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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