The maid of honor just puked.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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