So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
