Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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