You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
