i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
