There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I smell stomach acid.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
