I think i peed on brittanys purse
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
In other news, I just burned my penis
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
