He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
