how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
