Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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