Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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