I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
