so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
